#019 Shared Parenting & Content Creation w/ The Dadvocate

"So often what we end up having, are these pro-women spaces led by women that hate men, or these pro-men spaces led by men that hate women. And so I think that when people end up finding a channel where one sex gives a sh*t about the opposite sex without hating their own sex, it feels good! It feels good - they're like, FINALLY!"
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In a little over two years, Lauren - aka ‘The Dadvocate’ - has grown a following of over 2million people, advocating for equal shared parenting and healthy relationships. Lauren has a knack for using comedy, to - in her words - “thrust quiet issues into loud spaces...”

The USA in particular is in a dismal state of fatherlessness in the home - ranking worst internationally...

THE MYTH: "Fathers Don't Want To Be Involved"
THE FACTS: ‘Deadbeat Dads’ make up only around 5% of All Fathers

Behind every joke is a piece of truth that Lauren is not only shining a light on through her content, but via ‘boots on the ground’ initiatives where she is proactively communicating with State Senators and legislators.

Lauren brings levity to the division between men and women (believed to be somewhat brought about by extreme feminism), to find joy in marriage and dating again.

Follow The Dadvocate:
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@thedadvocate
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/the_dadvocateig/
Check out the merch! https://dadvocate.net/
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So often what we end up having are these pro women spaces led by women that hate men, or these pro men spaces led by men that hate women. And so I think that when people end up finding a channel where one sex gives a shit about the opposite sex without hating their own sex, it feels good. It feels good they're like finally. But I guess in my head I always thought, if two people have a child together and then they split up, then they just equally see that child and it just is split fairly and in a way that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 0:42

How little I knew. You know. A lot of people say I don't know what to talk about, I don't know what I'm passionate about, and I'm like well, if you don't know what you're passionate about, talk about what pisses you off, which sounds like what you started with.

Speaker 1: 0:53

That's good advice. That's actually good advice. Yeah, I am passionate about what pisses me off, that's for sure.

Speaker 2: 1:02

Hello, awesome human. Thank you so much for being here for another episode of the BU Get Paid podcast. This is Amy Taylor and seriously I really appreciate your ears and eyeballs. If you're on YouTube, it's really humbling to have so many people listening to the podcast, sending me messages If one person gets a takeaway from a topic discussed here by the experts I'm interviewing. That is all I'm here for and I really appreciate the love. So on to today's episode.

Speaker 2: 1:32

In a little over two years, lauren, aka the dad vikit so catchy I love it has grown a following of over 2 million people across all social media platforms advocating for equal, shared parenting and healthy relationships. Now the USA in particular is in a pretty dismal state of fatherlessness in the home, ranking worst in the world internationally. The myth is that fathers don't want to be involved. The facts is that deadbeat dads, in quote marks, make up only around 5% of all fathers. Now Lauren is also a living masterclass in being a successful content creator. Why would I say that? Well, she has grown a highly engaged audience to a point that the opportunities to monetize it are being thrown at her everywhere. But she hasn't had to sell out to anything that she doesn't like or use herself as a product or service or anything that doesn't align with who she is and what her values are. She has poured her time, energy, heart and soul into raising awareness about something that she genuinely cares about and, as a result, she recently quit her job to make it her full time focus, which in turn means she can have greater impact and make a real change in the world, and we discussed this at great length in this episode.

Speaker 2: 2:54

Now just a quick personal note. Not long after recording this episode, lauren posted something on social media that hit me right in the guts, so I sent her a personal photo in response to let her know how I felt about that, and this exchange proves how intimately Lauren knows her audience and their pain points. I don't think she has studied marketing, but it seems to me that she's a natural. If you want to see these photos that on my Instagram at, amy Taylor says just swipe through the profile photo for this episode for the dad for kit on my grid and you'll see what I mean by these photos that we exchanged. It was awesome. I loved it.

Speaker 2: 3:31

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one. It's sadly, super relevant for the world we live in, but hopefully that means it's helpful information. If anyone out there trying to do the blended family thing or the step parenting thing please know you are doing great and you are definitely not alone. Okay, let's get into it. Yeah, I love your setup. It's great, but I don't want to waste good chat, so that's why I've hit record already. But so good to meet you. I've been following you probably best part of a year and it was purely accidental yeah, purely accidental, because I am someone in your situation. My partner has a nearly seven year old and yeah, I don't know what video it was or a podcast he sent me and I searched dad for kit and you it wasn't you that he'd sent me, so it was a very happy accident. Sounds like an unplanned pregnancy, doesn't it?

Speaker 1: 4:39

You know those work out real well too, sometimes.

Speaker 2: 4:42

Let's hope, but yeah, you've just I mean, I don't know your full story, which is what we're here to discuss, but you tell me because you've got what? 200, and I'm just looking at your YouTube. 231,000 subscribers on YouTube. Similar number on Instagram. Is it a million on TikTok?

Speaker 1: 5:01

I actually just hit 1.4 million on the snowball effect. Yeah, that's the biggest one is the tick tock. That's where I started.

Speaker 2: 5:15

And how long ago was that? What was? When did you post your first tick tock?

Speaker 1: 5:20

I still remember the exact day it was August 21st of 2021.

Speaker 2: 5:27

Holy moly, so just over two years ago.

Speaker 1: 5:30

Yeah, and I truly did not expect any of this. Like to give you an idea of how clueless I was. The whole reason that I wanted to make it a tick tock to kind of vent about stuff, was I had seen my husband making tick tocks. I was never even on the app and I was like, wow, babe, you're getting like 250 views per video, like you're famous. I was so impressed.

Speaker 2: 5:59

I didn't know, yeah, and that doesn't even mean 250 people, like if you're completely clueless, which is fine. I mean people that spend no time on social media I'm kind of jealous of, but in some ways but it's a necessary I don't say necessary evil, because I think people are fundamentally good and we're going to get into that with your stuff, but it's you know, 250 views is not necessarily 250 different people, but it's nothing to be sniffed at If you're doing something that's impacting that many people or that you know half that and they've watched it. They've watched it twice. That's amazing and it's everything I'm about with my podcast, with my brand, with the coaching I'm doing. Like you know, you're just one of these voices out there that's kind of the voice of reason in a topic and a narrative that pops up on social media far too often, and the comments on your hang on.

Speaker 2: 6:51

A sec, I need to back up. You just quit your job, little, quit your job. Dance, like that's. That's one of my favorite things to see people do. We both look like a care of mums right now, but congratulations, very, very cool, and we will allow it to rewind. So 2021 August, the two years ago, what was the first thing you posted on TikTok. Can you remember the message?

Speaker 1: 7:18

Yes, yes, the first thing I posted was just a three minute long, unedited, uncut tangent about so many of the things that were pissing me off about family court. I was like sitting on this moniker of the dad to get for like two weeks. I was like I'm just make this anonymous account where I can get some things off my chest and one day I'll use it. And then there's just this one day that I was like I'm just going to go in the office and get some things off my chest and I didn't even know like how the caption system worked. I didn't know that you could go in and edit your captions, so I just like left it in TikTok's hands, whatever it thought I was sending. I didn't know how to edit anything. And then, after I posted it, I remember like texting my husband and being like wait, so how often do you get like 10,000 views in an hour? And he was like, well, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: 8:18

Well, this is your first ever.

Speaker 1: 8:21

Wow, yeah. And then I now I've been told. I guess I haven't been told, but I remember reading somewhere once and I can't find this information again, but I believe this to be 100% true. But I read somewhere that your entire TikTok algorithm is based off of the success of the first seven videos you post. And there are some people who theorize that if you don't take off in your first seven videos or you don't hit a stride, delete the whole account and start over. And I don't know if that was part of the foundational success. But after that first video that did pretty well and is now at like half a million views, I just started answering other questions that people had, and I think the very next video I had was me responding to the question well, wait, how can you have to pay child support on a child if you've proven that you're not the biological father? And I was like oh, I'm happy to explain these things because no one ever lets me talk about this.

Speaker 2: 9:26

Right, okay, so we'll backtrack a second. I haven't actually introduced what you do or what you talk about, but just to go over the TikTok thing, because there will be people watching this, I think, or listening to this, who are like they just want the next hack or the next strategy on the algorithms, and it's like, I think in 2021, when the world was still shut down what you've said about the first seven videos could well have been true. I am not a TikTok fan. I think I don't like what's behind it, but that's a different conversation. But I think at that point in time, it probably was true, because they would have just fed you whatever to keep you going and to give you that dopamine hit of oh my God, all these views.

Speaker 2: 10:07

But thankfully, what you were doing has some substance and is valuable, because there's a lot on there that's not. So tell us what you talk about and then we'll go through how you got there, because a lot of people are like they fall into two camps. The people that I work with it's either they built this ridiculous following and they don't know what to do with it, or they're setting out to build a business, so they want to make money, and so they don't know what to talk about, and so it's the two ends of the spectrum and I think so often people like you they just explode because the intention is purely to talk about something they're super passionate about and that comes through and that's what people jump on. So tell us what you talk about.

Speaker 1: 10:48

Yeah, so what I originally started talking about was I suppose what I used to call it was father's rights, but the term that I now prefer is equal-shared parenting. Especially as things evolve, the issues within family court that previously were so dominantly men and fathers is really now just it's starting to shift toward whoever has less money or less resources, right. So it's interesting that shift, and so I've definitely tried to be a lot more conscientious of women also abused and targeted by the system. But a lot of what I started talking about was how men specifically, are affected negatively by family courts, and what that kind of ended up evolving into. More was how to have healthier relationships in general, and I even started kind of getting a little bit into neurodiversity and dating. Basically, all of the big things that can cause conflict in relationships were the things that I wanted to start not only talking about but kind of joking about as well, so that we can kind of have a good baseline to laugh and then talk about it, oh amen.

Speaker 2: 12:11

Everything's so crazy and serious, right Like there's enough of that.

Speaker 2: 12:16

And it doesn't draw people in. In fact, one person commented I was actually welling up reading the comments. I just started. I was doing scrolling, I was like I'm supposed to be talking to Lauren, so I read a couple of the comments on your photo that you posted on YouTube, which I think you put on Instagram and other places, but the comments from people just filled my heart with hope.

Speaker 2: 12:37

People are fundamentally good. They want to grow, but they don't necessarily want to have these heavy conversations and your humor and your self-deprecation. It's great and I can absolutely see why people resonate. But someone commented let me find it Good. People come in all shapes and sizes the dad for kit, but you're still the fabulous unicorn woman we've all learned to respect and admire. The stunning exterior might be part of what lowers the views in, but it's the opinions, knowledge and expertise that keeps us here. You're probably feeling small in stature. That's a fact, little person, but you're giant in all the ways that matter for us, your fans, and I hope you can spread your thoughts and ideas far and wide. Make you get the recognition and following that you deserve. It's sorely lacking compared to the good you do, but please take care and stay safe. There are hundreds of comments like that on your content and that's the why. That's why you do it around the job and probably hustle late nights. It's amazing.

Speaker 1: 13:41

Yeah, stuff like that is the fuel in my gas tank. Seriously, because when you reach a certain level of exposure in the world, you do get a pretty decent chunk of hate. But I'm really happy to say that, overwhelmingly, the responses that I receive are more like that, more really just people who are like oh my God, I just, I want other people who want to be able to have men and women shake hands and come together, because so often what we end up having are these pro women spaces led by women that hate men, or these pro men spaces led by men that hate women. And so I think that when people end up finding a channel where one sex gives a shit about the opposite sex without hating their own sex, it feels good. It feels good they're like finally, Right and it's.

Speaker 2: 14:44

It's so, and we can get into your own story, which I'd love to and share as much or as little as you want. You know you have a public comment. I get that there's probably sensitive areas of that, but you know we're going through a similar thing and it is. It's just kind of like is this going to matter in 20 years or even five years or even one year? The things that people fall out about the noise in the world, about everything, and we need the extreme voices to sort of highlight the issues that we need to address. But it's like the smart people who can see both sides or have a civilized debate can't be bothered to put themselves out there, and I understand why. But you know you're one of a few that are doing that.

Speaker 2: 15:28

It's like I get it. I get it Like a Joe Rogan, or it's just like we just need more people that have got the smarts, the personality and the willingness to jump into that fire and go hang on a minute. I get you and I get you. How do we? It's just sorely lacking, yeah, and it's.

Speaker 1: 15:46

You know, it's kind of sad because a lot of the stuff that we talk about is one of those you don't know till you know situations and I can safely say that I would not nearly be as fired up about the issues that I talk about where I not put in the stepmother role and then forced to kind of see it all for myself and be like super jarred and shocked by what I found. I mean, I grow up Sorry, I was gonna say, like you know, you grew up your whole life and I guess I don't know how you felt or what you thought the world worked like, but I guess in my head I always thought if two people have a child together and then they split up, then they just equally see that child and it just is split fairly and in a way that makes sense. Yeah, how little I knew.

Speaker 2: 18:24

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:26

Oh and I think as well. One thing that I have struggled with is, you know, people can turn around and say things like well, you knew what you were signing up for. It's like one, if you haven't done it, pipe down. And two, you don't know what you're signing up for because it evolves, right. Like I, I was there at the start thinking not necessarily those thoughts, because I grew up with a stepfather and my dad was somewhat absent. And you know, it's not until you're grown up that you can reflect and learn and understand and and that's fine, but that starts with you. But you know it's.

Speaker 2: 19:00

You can't possibly know what you're signing up for, because we're, first of all, you're dealing with human beings and there's there's so many granular scenarios that you cannot possibly imagine and in some cases, I guess not every parent is in a position to be able to have equal care as much as they would want to. I know my partner certainly would, but currently his situation, career wise, doesn't let him. But in terms of when it comes down to, if you let it go to the courts, no one's going to get what they want, right, oh my.

Speaker 1: 19:31

God, the kids, yep. And that that's why a lot of people do avoid court, for better or for worse. It's so impossible to say, because that's the thing too is people say you knew what you're signing up for. But that can't possibly true when be true, when every single family court situation is like a snowflake. Every single case is going to be so radically different than the next, which also makes the whole concept of someone saying, well, here's a standardized visitation schedule. How in the world could you just mush the totality of how every family dynamic works down into just every other weekend? Just do it. That makes sense.

Speaker 2: 20:15

Yeah, totally. So what was your situation? You now have your own daughter. She looks like a packet of sass. And how old is she? Six years old now. And how old is your stepson, your partner's son? He's 15.

Speaker 1: 20:35

I met him when he was five.

Speaker 2: 20:37

Oh wow, yeah, yeah, so I've been around for a while, yeah, and but you, so you'd done I'm just doing the math so you'd you started this two years ago, so you'd you'd been in his life and navigated all of that the birth of your daughter, she, all of that had happened. Like what, what can you remember? Can you remember an example of the situation and again feel free to share as much as you want where you just kind of went this is so hard like a situation or a scenario where you're like I didn't know it could get this bad. Like can you, just to start us on a tangent of something that people will relate to, I'm sure, yeah, I think for me the reality of how badly these stereotypical family court assumptions can weigh on you.

Speaker 1: 21:31

I think the first time it really started to hit was when my now husband finally told his ex that we were serious and that he was dating someone. And then she got a boyfriend soon after and that's when things got really ridiculous. That's when I first started to be like, oh, this is not nearly as simple as I thought, because we had dated for about a year before I was involved with, like the child or anything like that. We really wanted to make sure we were doing it Right. And when we realized like, yeah, we're in love, we're definitely going to be dating and we should just let people know about this, that's when things started to fall apart, because this is a man who my husband, you know had a kid with a girl when they were both really young and in college, and it wasn't super serious, but nonetheless he moved 250 miles away from his friends, family and really good job at the time so that he could be as close to his son as possible, and he'd been doing that for years before he met me. And when I met him I thought that everything was good because he was seeing his son literally every day. He picked his son up from school, he was with his son until the late evening when the ex got off of work and it seemed. He seemed to me to just be this daily, everyday, involved father. But then it was like, as soon as I was discovered, and she got a boyfriend with, suddenly, when it was, you know, it would actually be in everyone's best interest if you became an every other weekend dad. So that's what we're going to do.

Speaker 1: 23:14

And it was like, unilaterally, she was just able to make that decision and just cut his time with his son so dramatically and keep in mind, this child is five, going on six at the time. So this is what he's known his whole life. He's used to seeing his dad every single day. And now suddenly that's axed. And I remember being so shocked by this because I was like, well, wait, how can she just do this? Don't you have, you know, equal custody of this child that you see every day? And he, that's when he started to explain to me well, no, not exactly, because we were never married and in our state the mother has what's called natural guardianship, which means she gets soul, physical and legal custody just right off the gate, and so she would have to either grant me joint custody, which she has explicitly declined, or I will have to prove that she is unfit and usurp her soul custody, which would be extreme yeah that's that blew my mind, because I remember thinking to myself why isn't a child allowed to just have two fit parents?

Speaker 1: 24:27

Why is it that they can only have a parent and a visitor or an unfit parent? And and apparently like, why do? Are they shoot? Where is the wind is negative, that's terrible, yeah. And so that was when I really started to kind of open my eyes to just how unfair it was, because this is a man who gave up everything to be half a mile away from his son, who has been there every single day, has had no issue paying, no issue providing, has an amazing family, a clean track record, never been an instance of neglect, of abuse, never an accusation even lobbed against him, and the court is out here granting every other weekend because that's what she wants.

Speaker 2: 25:19

Yeah, wow, and there's so many things that you've touched on there that are spillover. The thing that you started with there was it was it fell apart when he basically she discovered that you were in the picture and she got a boyfriend. I don't know if those are exactly the same timings, but you think, shouldn't that be?

Speaker 1: 25:38

the point.

Speaker 2: 25:39

Where shouldn't that be the point where it gets easier, because everyone's happy, everyone's got a healthy relationship and they like they should be happy. But now it's harder, like surely all I've ever cared about is like I want this kid to see his parents happy. Now, I grew up with my my father in another country and that's ironically now what the situation we are in, and that's been in full transparency. I've been driven to that like we're in Australia. My partner's currently in New Zealand because he's trying to navigate jobs to be in his son's life more, like everything he possibly can without martyring himself. Things got so toxic that I decided that we can do long distance, go be in his life more, whatever. We'll figure it out as time goes on trying to navigate.

Speaker 1: 26:25

We were long distance for, like a good, the good first, like year. I would say, and then for another, maybe half year to eight months or so after that. We remain long distance after even becoming serious, because I was on one side of the state. Who's on the other?

Speaker 2: 26:44

so probably the closer than you. What state are you in? So Michigan, oh, that's probably the same distance as Australia's in New Zealand, though, to be fair.

Speaker 1: 26:54

Yeah, yeah, it's probably about 250 miles.

Speaker 2: 26:58

It's a bit more than that. It's a flight anyway, but yeah. But what I was going to say is, like we and it's it's the trying to negotiate with someone when they're assuming to know everything about your life and you know, like assuming that, I suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the in the child's life when actually through that, we did long distance to begin with for nine months. That was actually not by choice in this COVID lockdowns and I were you introduced to I don't know the child's name, but your stepson through screens or through long distance first, or was it just when you moved you were introduced?

Speaker 1: 27:39

Yeah, so no, not their screens. It we did did eventually meet in person, yeah, and that was after he had, you know, been kind of told by his dad like just so you know, I started to kind of see somebody and I kind of want you to meet her. And yeah, he was a little bit reserved at first, but then, like a few minutes of playing, he literally slammed the door in his dad's face and was like me and Miss Lauren are playing.

Speaker 2: 28:04

Now You're just it's a bit like that, I'm definitely the favorite, but I'm fully prepared for that to change in the future. But but yeah, so were you did. So did he tell her about you, or did that end up accidentally going back through the child?

Speaker 1: 28:22

No, he definitely told her, and I will not forget this, because I remember the response to him telling her that he was serious about someone and started dating someone was oh well, I don't want her around, my son, until I meet her, and I don't want to meet her.

Speaker 2: 28:40

Wow, okay, that's a.

Speaker 2: 28:42

That's a good one, and yeah, we were we were long distance and I had met child just as a friend, through the screen, a few times. So when we met, I mean he was only like three, I think, when I eventually met him. But my partner made the call for us to meet and then, before he was taken home, it was a debrief message. So in every situation is different, you can look back and go we could have done that better, should we have done it, but it's just. Every situation is so nuanced and so sensitive and some people are better at handling this stuff than others. You know, some people have done the work on themselves to go hang on. Okay, that's not how I would have done it, but it's just, it's so tricky, go on.

Speaker 1: 29:27

Yeah, not everyone is meant to be a step parent. Not everybody should. I'll definitely say that I wouldn't recommend it to just anybody. You have to come correct too. Yeah, you know, you have to know that you are entering this, these people's family, essentially, you know, as a new introductory person. And it can be frustrating too, because in my situation I really tried so hard to make sure that I did introduce myself appropriately to everybody. You know, I tried to meet her. She obviously did not want to for a while, so I eventually ended up writing a letter and saying like, hey, this is me. This has got to be weird, right? Like no little girl dreams of sharing their kid with some other lady one day and no little girl dreams of becoming a step parent one day. But you know, I was like I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to replace you, like I just want to be an ally here. I did not get a response, but you know it's. I tried. I definitely tried.

Speaker 2: 30:43

You can only do what you can do to sleep at night right and be good with you, and that's what I've had to keep coming back to as well, like I've had the opposite, in that she would rather talk to me than him, but when she does, that's not about the child.

Speaker 2: 30:56

Yeah, it's not about the child, it's about let's how much we can discredit him or attack him, and it's like this is not getting us anywhere. So I've kind of stepped away from that opportunity now until things, because I just have a belief that it's like I don't know how long it's going to take and it may never happen, but the two of them need to be able to at least communicate before it looks like you're the peacemaker or you're the go between, or the child sees that their parents just can't do it. It's like, okay, I personally have comes the conclusion like I'd rather support him as much as I can, and yet mum and dad aren't friends. But you can talk to me if you want to. But you know, and he's got these little dreams that come stay in mum's house. We got her a spare room and I'm like I don't think mum's going to want that.

Speaker 2: 31:39

And we've just started being really honest with him like never, never, ever discrediting her or talking badly about her. But just being honest with him like this sucks. I wish it was different. But you know that I love you, dad loves you, mum loves you, the dog loves you, like everybody loves you. We just don't love each other, that whole cliche conversation, but it's just, I think we don't give them enough credit for what they understand, because it's they've got no baggage at this age, and so we're just trying to be as transparent as possible.

Speaker 1: 32:09

Yeah, and that's so interesting too that you mentioned that when she did want to talk to you it was kind of in hopes, of like almost turning you against your own partner, because I hear this from a lot of women in the stepmom position, and that's certainly something that was attempted. When we finally did. She did agree to a meeting was the whole meeting seemed to turn into a like. This is actually why you should break up with him.

Speaker 2: 32:38

Discussion. You just don't see it yet I know better.

Speaker 1: 32:43

Yeah, yeah, it was just, that was a whole thing, and so as much like you, I was like, okay, well, this is not something I want to be involved in, because there's a there is a word for that and it goes multiple different ways and it happens very often in co-parenting dynamics. But the word I don't know if you've heard of. This is called triangulation, which is usually between three people, where two of the people are kind of turning on one of them and sometimes it's both of the biological parents use the step parent as the state gatecode and they blame her, they blame him for everything and they try and get it against them. But then other times I have seen it where it's the mom and the stepmom are like, yeah, let's talk crap about him together and that's how we'll bond.

Speaker 2: 33:32

Yeah, it's not a no. No, and again, this is why everything you're doing is like I love that and we'll get into. What you do officially in terms of your lobbying and your campaigning, I guess is advocating, but is your intention more with your content, to just help people get along and stay out of court, whilst also trying to get fairer results from the court for those that can't? Is that kind of the overall mission Like?

Speaker 1: 34:02

I said, it's so hard sometimes because every situation is so unique that there are some people that I would recommend like, actually, what you have is is really good. I think that you can keep working on this without ever taking it to court and other people. I'm like you should have been in the courthouse yesterday of what you're like. You've let this go on way too long without getting a memorialized schedule or memorialized paperwork set in stone. It's just too chaotic. So, as far as what I? How do I want to encourage someone any sort of way? Not necessarily.

Speaker 1: 34:39

I do have goals, like legally, that I hope to accomplish. Like I would love to help advocate for more presumed 5050 shared parenting when both parents can provide our active billing, are able when it's appropriate. Obviously, I would never encourage that in any kind of a situation. I want to see the decriminalization of delinquent child support. So no more license suspension, no more losing your driver's license and occupational license Just because your few hundred dollars behind in child support. We're all in debt. We all have debt. None of us lose our driver's license for the majority of our debts that we have Right.

Speaker 2: 35:25

So that's a consequence where you are. Is it? If someone defaults or is behind on child support, they lose? I mean, how is that? How is that helping?

Speaker 1: 35:33

Oh yeah, that's here in Michigan. $400 is all you really need to be behind on to just have your license cut right off. And then, not only, not only you know are you unable to drive. You now have to pay another couple of dollars to have your license reinstated. So it's, how do you get? To my mind?

Speaker 2: 35:55

Yeah, you then need your, that's not it's not only the driver's license either.

Speaker 1: 35:59

They'll take away your fishing license. They'll take away your hunting license. You can't fish, you can't shoot deer, you can't own a business, and it's like that's what, and that's just, and that's if you get lucky. They could just send you to jail to. And then, really, how do you pay your child support from jail?

Speaker 2: 36:20

I don't know anybody who's paying for their kids college through Ron and packets personally and this is the money conversation right, which is a big part of what I like to talk about. It's like people there's either a taboo around money or, you know, and everyone's struggling to a degree. You know everyone could do with more money. But the irony of the child support situation and you know what you've just described is probably more extreme than here or New Zealand or the UK, which are all similar systems. You know, generally speaking, after a breakup or a separation, one party and in most cases that I hear about it's the men, but not always has has suffered and they're trying to rebuild their life. And again the system, just it's keeping people slaves. You know like who? It's like my partner, for example. He sold his house because he absorbed the mortgage on a second house that she was trying to rebuild and then the second house that she lived in. So she's got a mortgage free home, very nice. She creates income by renting rooms out in that home. This is all before working and the child is now at school and it's like he's getting. So he left his job to get a slightly less stressful job because the whole thing was like he just needed some time out. And then he came here. She went overseas for a while and it was all like, okay, let's let the dust settle.

Speaker 2: 37:45

We then find out that, through child support, his child support is based on his previous salary. So potential income, potential income, and it's not like he's slashed it and is doing you know, he's not stacking shelves in the supermarket, but it's it's a chunk less, so it's like, hang on. Well, so where, where is it factored in that? You know, close to half a million dollars of mortgages were paid off in the separation. That just doesn't come into it, you know.

Speaker 2: 38:13

So the same, the same formula is applied to someone who's paying three, four, five hundred dollars a week in rent with a market who's just disappeared and isn't working. The same formula is applied to that situation as it is to his. And I'm just like this is so screwed up and again, it's not. I'm not completely demonizing the other party, because the system supports it, like there is no incentive for someone to work or create anything of value to contribute, when the system can just be milked. And he stays in jobs, he's paying income tax, he's trying to start a business, he's doing everything he can, he's given up one job and gone back for one to be like it's like where does this end?

Speaker 1: 38:52

That's one of the that is one of the assumptions that drives me crazy about family court is when a man takes a cut in hours or a lower paying job so that he can have more time available for the child, the first thing that happens is he is accused of only doing that so that he'll have to pay less child support. Yeah, discussed, and it's just it that one really irritates me, and that was. That was something that my husband was accused of in court and the part that pisses me off the most about that because he was accused of this simply when filing to modify for a memorialized schedule, and the big thing that he was fighting for was adequate summertime, because his ex was literally only going to give him every other weekend all summer break long, while we live half a mile away. So this, this teenage boy, was only going to see his father all summer long, every other weekend Of so of course we were fighting that and we did fight against it, but that was one of the big accusations for lawyer made was we know the real reason that you're doing this, we know the reason you're trying to get out of child support and it's like, oh so she must not have sent you the email that we sent her where we said hey, just so you know, we're never going to go for a decrease in child support, because all we care about is the time.

Speaker 1: 40:21

We have that email saved. It's right there, plain as day, that we sent your client, but sure accuses of just trying to get out of paying child support While we're paying extras on top of what we're already paying.

Speaker 1: 40:37

It's like everyone they want to they want to say, oh, you're just trying to get out of child support, but no one is even considering the fact that maybe the real reason she really wanted to cut him down to every other weekend so she can see the increase in child support Exactly.

Speaker 2: 40:54

It's just so screwed up and it's just right. Yeah, we've done the math on that as well, so we've just, you know, we've sucked it up and it's being paid, but it's just. I don't think and you learn this the hard way like, but you would assume that logic prevails. It doesn't, and it comes down to. I don't know if you're into Bitcoin or not A lot of the people I talk to are but this is a big thing in there. It's one of many things where I, as a Bitcoin, look at it and go fix the money, fix the world, because I think a big part of the child support system that's so broken is just to keep the government out of it. It's to stop the government having to pay the benefit, because everything that they intercept it.

Speaker 2: 41:34

It goes to them before it goes to her. But if he didn't pay it, the government would have to pay more, and you know what? That's not entirely wrong, because why should taxpayers suck up that bill for someone who does decide to drop, kick and abscond and never pay it again? There are thousands, hundreds of thousands of dads especially that do that, and so that narrative then is the assumption right, that becomes the assumption. And you've got I think you posted the other day, it was yesterday even I think you did a video I saw where you've got actual professional lawyers putting that narrative out there that she only did this to get out, he only did this to get out of child support. And you're like, how are they allowed to do that online Freedom of speech, all for it. But that is just disgusting.

Speaker 1: 44:26

You've got lawyers encouraging people to think that, yeah, and I think one of the worst things that happens out of these situations is that, because of how ugly it gets, people oftentimes end up blaming their ex for the situation. And, of course, your, your co-parent, does have a huge amount to say in how things play out. But this is why I try to focus so much on the actual laws and the actual courts themselves, because you're so right, they're the ones who incentivize the bad behavior. Because, were it not for you know, my husband's ex meeting with people at the courts and saying, you know, I'm frustrated with my ex what, what do most people do? And them going, oh, we'll just put him on every other weekend, I don't think that she would have felt the confidence to to strip all that time away from her son like that.

Speaker 1: 45:16

You know what I mean it? Because it was so incentivized and clearly something the court had her back on at the end of the day. Because when, when we fought it, when we were saying, well, why, why would it be so much less time if we can provide the exact same lifestyle that she can? There is nothing she can provide that we can't provide. We were told by a judge in court. We just don't understand why you need the extra time.

Speaker 2: 45:47

Wow, how wonderfully human Jesus.

Speaker 1: 45:51

What like they they just couldn't understand that there are fathers who actually want to spend this time. They're like we don't get it. You have every other weekend you get to be the fun. Dad, you get everything you want. Isn't that what you want? And it's like no, men don't just want to be these piggy banks who work 40 to 80 hours a week, don't see their kid, aren't there for the big highlights and moments, aren't there for the sports games. Men don't want to take pay cuts. They want to earn less and be home more, and at the end of the day, that's what we women want to like. Once I got to experience motherhood with a man who is there, who is with me at the playgrounds, who is with me walking to the ice cream store at the, is he earning six figures? No, and I would much rather have the present father than the six figure personally.

Speaker 2: 46:48

Oh amen, and it's fine because you're going to be earning all that money soon. Lauren, you will Like you will. And this is beautifully bringing together everything I talk about. You know there is so much opportunity out there. It's bloody hard when you're working. Parents trying to make a side hustle work, like let's talk about that. Like with your gen, let's get away from the heavy stuff. But I think what you're doing is fantastic and the only way this stuff changes, legally or otherwise, is people opening their minds, seeing the other side of an argument, having healthier conversations. That's everything I'm about and you do like it. You are the voice of reason, so keep doing what you're doing. But let's talk about I've lost my train of thought now. I've gone off on so many tangents here.

Speaker 1: 47:33

Let's talk about your journey, making money.

Speaker 2: 47:36

Yeah, everybody needs to make money. There are so many ways to do it. You are a walking example of that. So what's it looked like from day one? Like at what point and what challenges have you had to deal with in terms of, oh, this is actually going to make me money, like what was the first thing? The first time you kind of went, oh, this is actually an opportunity, like I know it's your calling and it's so amazing that you've done it from that place, because I think that's why it's worked. But at what point did you kind of go? I could actually consider quitting my job.

Speaker 1: 48:53

Well, it's funny because it really took a long time before I really saw any money, because I grew up on TikTok in a really crazy way. I think I hit 100k in like a month and I was so like blown away by all that and I had all this these followers, this quote unquote fame and with that came accusations of like grifting and at the time I was like so confused because I was like why do these people think that I'm grifting? Like no one like I was like at the time I had never heard of anybody becoming popular talking about fathers rights issues, first of all. So I was like clearly I believe in what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 49:40

I wouldn't just make this up, but also I'm like working a full time job in STEM, still while creating content, and at the time I think the most I had made in like a month for my first year was like $300, which no one is quitting their job for $300 a month. No one's doing that. And so I really was not making money for a very long time because I didn't know how. I didn't know how any of it worked until I started kind of talking to other creators and networking with other creators, and that was when it was actually women in particular. This is something about like women love to watch other women grow, but they were the first one We've got stories about that, yeah, it was.

Speaker 1: 50:30

A few women reached out and they were like Lauren, you have something. You can't just stay on TikTok, you have to spread your wings, you really have to make a YouTube. And I was really resistant at first because I was like I don't know what I'm doing. I work a full time job and I'm a mom and I'm trying to train Brazilian jiu-jitsu at a competitive level and I'm doing all these things, but at the same time I wreck.

Speaker 1: 50:59

You know again, when you're at a point where you get like a million followers and half a year out of nowhere, you recognize that something different is going on, something special is happening, and you don't take your foot off the gas pedal, no matter how stressed or burnt out. And so it really it was, I think, this year, because my first year and a half I was not making any money off of this Again, unless you count an extra 3,000 over the course of a year, as, like this amazing raise in my life, I just kind of was like, oh, it's cute, like passive income, I'll buy me a coffee every day.

Speaker 2: 53:24

What was that from? Sorry to interrupt you. What so? What was the $300 from? Or the sort of drip feed of income? What was that coming from?

Speaker 1: 53:33

That was from the Creator Fund and that was before TikTok really knew how to pay creators. But they did just release the creativity beta program, which I think, now that all the companies are competing, they're really starting to pay a lot better. So, that's from them.

Speaker 2: 53:51

Monetizing with ads on your content? Yeah Right, so that's because that's the. I think that's the income stream that most people are aware can happen, but it's actually usually a byproduct of the. It's only a byproduct of growing a following, and a lot of people, whether they know what they're doing or not, monetize in other ways, like they'll get sponsorships or they've got affiliate links to stuff, or or they have a Patreon, like you do now. But it's interesting because that's the hardest one to get. Like you only get that income when you've got a significantly large following.

Speaker 1: 54:25

Yeah, and to me. I just thought it was like I know it really was nothing and I also was not interested in like taking sponsors or anything.

Speaker 1: 54:33

At that time I was like I actually care about what I'm doing, you know. So I really don't want to like sell out at all. But then it was. I made a Facebook, which I was also resistant to that but women were telling me you have to put this on Facebook, you have to go to Facebook and also Facebook will pay you. And so I spread it to Facebook.

Speaker 1: 54:58

And then Facebook was the first place where I actually started like seeing actual money, and it was from the same thing. This is not from the people themselves. This is not for me selling out for any reason. This is just ads on the videos that they put in there for me and that I spread to Instagram. But it was YouTube that really changed the game for me. Once I became monetized on YouTube was when I first started seeing like wow, this actually could pay for me to do this full time and I don't have to like ask my audience members for money. You know I don't have to like sell out extremely, but of course you know now I'm a little bit more open minded to the occasional sponsor that I really really like, just because I've now learned you can't be a full time creator without occasionally doing ads. You just can't.

Speaker 2: 55:54

Yeah, and I don't think people have any concept. You know I get nothing in terms of organic audience, but I've seen it on people I've worked with and you know you see it on yours and other big creators. Like the entitlement people have like, can you please add timestamps to this video to make it quicker for me to work, to watch? I'm like okay, it's another hour's work, but sure I'll just do that for free. And I think when you get to the point that you've got, if you haven't monetized any other way, you should have no qualms whatsoever. And you're going to have to because you are now full time. Right, you can be available to those who want access to your time and you've created that value upfront. Two years is not really a long time in the grand scheme of things. So I yeah, I would definitely encourage you to drop any sense of guilt or selling out. You're not selling out, you have earned it. Oh my God.

Speaker 1: 56:43

Yeah, I know it's so funny, and now I really don't feel bad about it because I currently only have one sponsor. I vetted the heck out of them. I actually like their product, my husband loves their products and, you know, because of this I'm given the opportunity to do it full time. And what I really love about this is now I can travel to these different capital buildings across different states and I can actually meet these senators, meet these legislators and use the unique voice that I have, that has the ability to articulate these issues in, you know, as you would say, reasonable ways to where I think people will actually listen to me. And so I really, in that regard, I don't feel bad for making this my full time job, because I'm doing what I always wanted to do. I didn't just want to rant into a phone, I wanted to change the law.

Speaker 2: 57:43

Right, and that's gorgeous. Love it. Love it Like you actually want to do something good with it. And I think we're just living through a really interesting time where there's a lot of people that want to do that, and we also live in a world where people are being censored. And again, I asked you before and then cut you off Are you a Bitcoiner? Are you into Bitcoin at all? I have never Bitcoined. Okay, that's fine, we can talk about that, but what's interesting is, you know, whatever you believe in, that's that's again, a separate conversation. But the whole censorship, freedom of speech issue, what you're talking about like, I God, I hope it never gets censored, I hope you never get shadow banned. But again, you're talking about laws. You're talking about approaching governments, and in the States there's all these different governments we have that here too when, if they don't like what you're talking about, you know you might, you might find that that happens.

Speaker 1: 58:38

So I'm glad you're on multiple platforms but actually, I think that Bitcoin comes into your life.

Speaker 1: 58:43

Really. Yeah, I got banned on TikTok once. I got permanently banned for like 12 minutes. It was like it was so. It was so shocking. I remember being at work and it was right after I made a video making fun of Andrew Tate. This is what took me out was I was making fun of Andrew Tate and they took it down. And then I went to sign in and it was like hey, you have been permanently banned. If you think that this is a mistake, you can appeal here. And I was like appeal here. And I remember just kind of being like hey, not too sure why I'm banned, because it didn't give me a reason. I was like but if you could, please not. And then, like within a few minutes, I got an email and they were like Okay you're unbound.

Speaker 2: 59:42

That's so funny. That is literally TikTok. That is what TikTok is. It's like a platform on crack that would have taken you two weeks to do YouTube. And that's so funny.

Speaker 1: 59:51

Yeah, I'm definitely one of the lucky ones though, because I have seen other accounts that God knows what they've done, but I've seen accounts get banned at like 3 million, 4 million. Tiktok doesn't care, none of them care.

Speaker 2: 1:00:06

None of the platforms care. So you know, one of the things I hope you're doing somewhere is building up an email list or you know as is encouraging people into a newsletter or something like that, so that you have direct contact with the people. You own your audience a bit more Because, I mean, you're in multiple platforms. You've got that contingency, but yeah, it's awesome. So, and now you've got a Patreon, is that right?

Speaker 1: 1:00:31

Yes, I started that probably about a year ago.

Speaker 2: 1:00:35

And what do people get in there that they don't get from your free content? I think?

Speaker 1: 1:00:40

the coolest thing is the exclusive merch. The merch is actually really cool. I kind of came out with a. I did come out with a really cool logo for it and I'm very proud of what people are getting. People love their hoodies and t-shirts that come with it. The other big thing is like early access. So whenever I'm about to release a YouTube video, they get to see it days before everyone else does. They get to see it as soon as I come out with it and they get your time.

Speaker 2: 1:01:11

Comments.

Speaker 1: 1:01:12

Yeah, that's the other thing too, is I'm extremely responsive to my patrons. I literally just message everybody back as if they're my buddies in a text message thread.

Speaker 2: 1:01:23

So that's what people are paying for right, when you're supporting a creator, and that is where the world is going, whether it's law I'm glad I lived in a civil place that has laws, but some of them really don't make sense and the world is just going towards this learning peer to peer learning, micro businesses or micro educators. People are choosing to homeschool more and this will be their education. So support your favorite creators, because that is where the world is going. It's a very time consuming job, so I love it. Love everything you're doing.

Speaker 2: 1:02:03

Approaching the hour mark, so we'll get into what I like to use as my final wrap up questions and you actually did a post along these lines the other day, but I won't pull it up because spontaneous is better. So, knowing everything you know now about anything, whether it be step parenting, being a kid, anything around any advice around being you. And then second piece of advice around money doesn't have to be the technicalities or the sensible stuff around money, just anything that comes to mind around money Advice you would give two pieces of advice you'd give to your younger self about being you and getting paid.

Speaker 1: 1:02:41

Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one, god. There's so much to say about like step motherhood. I guess the simplest one would be don't become a step parent if you do not love that kid Like, if you don't think that you can love that kid like you're out.

Speaker 1: 1:02:54

Just don't do it, it's fine. There are other people that they can date. Like, just move on. If you don't feel like you're gonna love that kid, just don't. Just don't do it, don't do it. But then money wise, I'll say this. Some people might not know this about me, but I grew up like in poverty. I'm a second gen immigrant from my family's all from Ukraine, excuse me. And so we grew up like dirt poor in Detroit. We were the kids whose names get put on the Christmas trees in the church and then you pick their names off and you buy them like a game of Yahtzee or something, so that they don't have to be you know, have no presents on Christmas, like you know, cereal with milk or water instead of milk, like all that stuff. And so what that taught me was to be very smart about my money, and one of my favorite quotes about money is actually from Jay Z, and he says don't spend it if you can't spend it twice.

Speaker 2: 1:03:55

Wow, yeah, he's on a way for himself. That's some good advice, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:04:00

But that's done pretty well for me as a person who you know, even before this platform increased me and my husband's credit support course from like the mid 500s to the high 700s, like that was even before this platform. So you, just you can be smart about money without being rich, trust me.

Speaker 2: 1:04:19

Well and it's all subjective, right it's get clear on what you actually want. Because, yeah, I've learned more about money in the last two or three years being a bit corner than I ever did before, and there's plenty of it out there and people are. People are sort of starting to wake up, I think, to the different ways you can create it for yourself, but also what's worth spending it on, like I'm hoping that creators, especially in your nation and across the board, are just putting that message out there that you know, drop the ego, what's important what's actually important to you.

Speaker 2: 1:04:59

Oh my gosh, it's you know.

Speaker 1: 1:05:02

I have to tell you, this was so funny to me so a few months ago, back in June, I was actually invited onto like Fox News for their prime time hour to talk about my partner shaming series, which is when usually women post embarrassing things their husbands do to shame them online, and sometimes it's innocent, but there's a lot that's not.

Speaker 1: 1:05:27

Yeah, and I was so excited to talk about it and I got to do that interview is great and that was like such a big interview. But I remember watching this, this TikTok of a lady who was like, yeah, I'm doing my first local interview. So again, it's just a local news station. I'm not trying to like undermine it, but when she starts going into it she goes and you know, I had to spend so much on this. I had to buy a new suit, I had to get filler, I had to get Botox, I had to have this done, I had to have that done and I think in total I had I had to spend about $2,700.

Speaker 1: 1:06:03

And you know, I was just complaining about this to my husband. You know how unfair it is that when you're a woman on the hamster wheel, you just have to do this and this. I'm watching this and I'm like you spent $2,700 on a local interview and I went on primetime and an outfit that I bought from the thrift store. You didn't have to do that. There is no hamster wheel, you had to run on.

Speaker 2: 1:06:31

Well it's. It is subjective, Maybe that is that's a lot. You know, who knows? You never know someone's situation, but you're right, and I think the thing I'm always trying to get to with people is just like figure out what your baseline is, like, what I don't know if you did the maths first before deciding to quit your job and I love, by the way, as a side note.

Speaker 1: 1:06:50

I love the fact that you quit your.

Speaker 2: 1:06:52

Yeah, you quit your job on good terms, like you loved what you did. And for some people, that's I quit my job on good terms and hopefully not. But I'm sure I could always go back to a job if I needed to. But you know it's that that there's a lot of content out there in my space especially that's like quit your job, fire your bus, fuck it, like, and it's like don't need to be like that Like. But then going back to the girl that spent $2,700, it's like you know what is it actually going to take for you to do that? Because when you actually sit down, do the math decide what's important to you? It's probably not as much as you think you know.

Speaker 1: 1:07:25

So yeah, I mean, and that's my other advice to you is you don't have to spend a lot of money to create content. You just have to be honest. Like you're, I would not encourage anybody to go into content creating if their end goal is money and followers. If that's your end goal, don't do it, just don't do it.

Speaker 2: 1:07:52

There's other business models you can yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:07:55

I can vouch for that because I've done other things that have made me plenty of money. I got bored and now I love creating podcasts, but there's no money in it yet. It's a journey, right Like the money comes. When the people with the money out there go oh, they're getting in front of a few thousand people that we need to reach. So, yeah, it is a longer journey. There's plenty of other business models you can get into if that's your goal. You might get bored after a couple of years because it doesn't give you a huge sense of meaning, but you're being rewarded now for something you know. A lot of people say I don't know what to talk about. I don't know what I'm passionate about, and I'm like well, if you don't know what you're passionate about, talk about what pisses you off, which sounds like what you started with.

Speaker 1: 1:08:32

That's good advice. That's actually good advice. Yeah, I am passionate about what pisses you off, that's for sure.

Speaker 2: 1:08:40

That's so cool. Nope, I'm glad that advice is resonating with you because it's a big one for me, so many people, especially when they're in that first stage. I want to start a business, I want to quit my job. Who's my niche? And I'm like I'm going to steal it. I clearly don't know what. Yeah, if you don't know what you're passionate about, just get out there and talk about what pisses you off, because it will pay off eventually and you're an example of that. So thank you so much. Where can people find you? I'll link all your socials and stuff, but it's because if you search the advocate, you will actually get a few different ones. So give us your.

Speaker 1: 1:09:12

I don't know. I think if you search the advocate now you'll find you'll probably the top one. Yeah, there's like some lawyer group down south. I'm sure they're really great, but but you. Yeah, YouTube and TikTok. I'm also on Instagram and Facebook. I have a Patreon. That's it for now.

Speaker 2: 1:09:35

That's it for now, and the merch I might go and suss out. I love a bit of merch.

Speaker 1: 1:09:38

Oh, yeah, david gets that.

Speaker 2: 1:09:40

There you go. Good plug. Well, thank you again. So much. Awesome to meet you, love everything you're doing. Keep it up, because you are. You're changing the world and I'm glad it's changed your world. There you go. There's a cheesy sign off.

Speaker 1: 1:09:54

Thank you.

Speaker 2: 1:09:58

Hello, my friend, as someone who is not the best at finishing the things they start, thank you so much for making it to the end of this podcast. I hope you found it helpful. Maybe it piqued your curiosity on something new or even just made you smile for a few seconds. If any of those things apply here, then all my regular tech challenges and tantrums are well worth it to get this to you. If you heard anything at all that you think could help just even one other human being, there's a couple of things you can do that I would really and truly appreciate. Firstly, you can follow or subscribe wherever you're listening.

Speaker 2: 1:10:32

On most podcast platforms, this is usually just a case of hitting a follow button or a plus sign on the main show page. This means you'll never miss an episode, which is hopefully a win-win for us both. Secondly, if you're feeling really generous, you can leave me a five-star rating or review wherever you're listening. And lastly, feel free to share an episode with a friend on social media. With any thoughts, feedback, suggestions or even criticism, it's okay, I can take it. Just tag me using the handle at Amy Taylor Says to make sure I see it and can thank you personally Any or all of these things genuinely mean more human beings see and hear these conversations. So again, thank you for being here and helping me with my mission with BU Get Paid to help as many people as possible know themselves, know money and be happy. See you next time.